There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
