Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
