I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
