they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
