It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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