My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
