Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
