i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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