you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
