no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
