I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I AM VODKA MAN
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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