Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize