I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
