Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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