My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
