I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
