Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You took a bar mat shot.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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