So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
