What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
