Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
