i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
