I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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