I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
