I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
