So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
