Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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