I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
