He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
