New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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