Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
