Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
We got so high we made milksteak
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
