Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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