Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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