a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Randomize
