it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
