Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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