Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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