I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
