He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
