I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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