woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
