I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
