where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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