At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
