i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
