you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
