I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
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Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
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i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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