Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
