the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
