it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
