I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
we're so committed to being not committed
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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