oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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